Chasing Fireflies...

Welcome On-board!

2012-01-20T03:06:00.000-08:00

I have been “The Baby” of my immediate 'Sengupta'-family for years and years… Today, I step down and the family spotlight shines on you.

Dear Baby, we unite to welcome you to our family…
Stay blessed in our love forever.

The End ?

2012-01-16T07:08:00.000-08:00

“It is with a heavy heart that I take up my pen to write the last words in which I shall ever record the singular gifts by which my friend Mr. Sherlock Holmes was distinguished”… and thus, many a years back, I had been initiated into the gripping intricacies of The Final Problem. Imagine my shock when I rushed to watch the movie-version of Sherlock Holmes… and a seemingly half-witted, cantankerous chap plunged into the scene and blurted out “My name is… Sherlock Holmes”.

I jerked upright on my seat, trying to ascertain the situation. In whose imagination was this character conceived? Certainly not in Mr. Doyle’s… and hopefully not in any of us who have grown up being in awe of the great Mind. So, is this the “coming of age” of Sherlock Holmes? Our gift to a generation who prefers the easy appeal of motion picture over that of the printed words? And is that really Watson razzing with Holmes quite like that?

Now don’t blame me for comparing. If they make movies from our favourite novels, if they insist on putting faces to the characters we have always loved, then I will compare. And what right do they have to spoil my world my thrusting on me a whacko Mycroft, with an out-of-context obesity and a distasteful desire to roam about naked? That had not only ruined Mycroft for me, but also affected my visions of Sidhhu Jetha in Feluda. Somehow everything just seemed so out-of-context.

20 mins through the plot, I preferred to drift off to a blissful state of mental blankness. There's too much of Slow-Mo future fore-telling, too much of fights, for my taste. And I so missed my favourite hero who sits in his dressing gown, smoking his pipe and churning his ideas. This infinitely-more-Hollywood version prefers to smoke the cigar.

But, as it always happened in the world of Mysteries, the plot gripped me irrationally… and as the plot reached its prime, I granted the movie a second chance. Or, as Downey says, I just followed his lead! And slowly I found myself being waltzed into a world where everything looked and felt wrong, yet something quite interesting was controlling the drift. I don’t quite know when I shifted grounds and started enjoying this fanciful version of Holmes… but I found myself laughing out loud in most of the plot junctions. And how did they work out this electrifying rapport between the lead characters? The "very intimate relations" between Sherlock and Watson had somehow blended itself into this questionable-yet-enthralling bromance.

So… in an attempt to sum up, I would give the movie credit for making explicit all those aspects of the story which has always been left implicit by Mr. Doyle. The mind had played with them… on and on… and now you get the glamourized pronouncement of the same. Yet, somehow, I criticize the movie for just the same… for making us lose the subtle pleasure of it all, for damaging the imagination... ’Cause no matter how delicious the platter is to the eye, the imagination can always cook up something far better. But I do give the movie credit for the nurturing the right rhythm between Downey and Law. Oh, and was it Jude Law all the way! How come I did not realize it so far? Or, is that really why I started liking it, after all?

So, I would rather not rate a movie like "A Game of Shadows". There are too many grey areas. But, given a chance, I would like to re-watch it – give it another chance, maybe... if we manage to totally ignore Mycroft... and oh, Irene too (she just can't be Sherlock's "The Woman"). And I just feel like watching the first part of this sequel too… maybe just for Law and Downey. So, maybe... it's not quite 'The End' yet?

Let's Start Believing Again...

2011-12-31T10:45:00.001-08:00

... let's hope to try a little harder & put in a little more effort... let's hope to believe, once more... let's hope for a world devoid of sarcasm... let's hope...

movie review

2011-08-04T08:48:00.000-07:00

There are some movies which you simply Enjoy... But after a few days, you fail to recollect exactly what you had liked about the movie. All you might remember is a pleasing sensation and a brightening of spirit...

These movies, almost always, would invartiably fail to figure anywhere in your list of favourites. Yet, the time spent on them would somehow seem worthwhile.

That's all I have to say for the latest movie I watched... "Zindegi Na Milegi Dobara". There are films I cherish, there are films I associate myself with. This is NOT one of them. Infact, I am quite aversed to 50% of the main star cast of the movie, and am doubtful about the rest 50%. And I am 100% sure I'll forget everything about it in a week's time.

Probably all that I'll remember is an enthusiastic enjoyment of a certain evening. For a movie of its calibre, that's more than what I sought from the film... and hence, am duly satisfied.

I have a Dream - ABBA

2011-06-28T10:40:00.000-07:00

" I have a Dream, a song to sing
To help me through anything
If you see the wonder of a fairytale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I cross the stream - I have a dream... "

Soaring high...

2011-06-28T08:32:00.000-07:00

Ever since I can remember, I have been mesmerized by Balloons...
I remember staring at the balloon-man in awe, extremely jealous of his good fortune, as he arranged bunches of balloons together. On days when I went with Ma and Baba to buy balloons, I was a super-happy kid! The entire event was a thrill for me. I simply adored those huge round balloons... floating on the sky, always so high-n'-mighty!
Choosing one for myself was a challenging task. Which one should I settle for? There was the Yellow Balloon - bright as the Sunshine, glowing in its beauty. There was the Blue Balloon - clear like the summer sky. And ofcourse, there was the Red Balloon - flying majestically on top of the bunch. So many colours, so many balloons... such a treat it was!

** ** ** ** **

But hey, what have they done to my Balloons? Have they all gone and gotten modern, too?? The shapes, the texture, the simplicity of solid colours... everything has changed. First, some whacky business man came up with the idea of 'Heart-shaped' Balloons... and killed the whole fun. Balloons suddenly became quite "Adult" and very "Valentine"-ish! And now we have the 'High Quality' balloons in shapes of Barbie or Tiger or Spiderman... I dont even know if you can actually blow them up. They look so ready-made! And the vendor said these balloons won't burst!

Why Would You Want a Balloon that won't Burst? We managed so well all our childhood... with Balloons that did burst! Imagine a Balloon that looks like anything but a Balloon?!?! And costs you 50 bucks!

Oh God, I feel pity for the children these days... Would love to give them back the Simplicity of big round Balloons... ones that even looked and acted like what it actually was... A Balloon!

That's my home...

2011-06-21T10:08:00.000-07:00

...Where The Red Rose Is Mine,

And The Vanilla Clouds Too...

Finally... "Of Wild Colours, Mindless Madness and Splashing Words"... and all that has ever been ME!

2011-06-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

I never knew it was possible to have such a Muddled-Up Brain and to indulge in such Random & Mindless Madness...
... or to eagerly crave for the Daisies...
... or to simply love the Wild Colors and the Splashing Words to distraction...

I never knew...
... till one fine day I met Myself

Rumblings of an erratic soul

2011-06-18T11:04:00.000-07:00

He was to meet me right there. The narrow street opened up to the wide expansion of a market place. Crowd thronged every alley even as the cars honked on relentlessly. I took my place by the floral stand and shaded myself against the glare of the mid-day sun. My eyes searched for him...

Years back, I remembered a fine winter morning... and I remembered the thrill of waking up to a Dream. Ever since, within my soul, I continued living it. Each year, I grew up... inch by inch... closer to my dream.

The haunting memories jerked to a loss as my eager eyes settled on a known figure. Across the curve of the lane, I spotted him... right where the sky stooped to touch the earth. Down the road, a string of loaded carts seem to bind us together in a timeless bond. And I knew he found me just when I found him...

For us it has been years. We fell in love with each other long before we met... decades before we even existed. And then, we loved the waves together... ... ...

In the scorching heat of the day, his hand met mine. Together we moved on... across the street, amidst the market crowd, against the blaring sun.

As he walked by my side, I searched on... for him, always for him. I searched frantically through the crowd... looked at every passing car, across every corner, down all the roads that ever were. His hand guided me silently. With the sun & the sounds, and a bunch of urgent hopes, he led my search. For him... always for him.

... Closer to the dream we moved... inch by inch, inch by inch...

Crashing Colors...

2011-05-19T09:24:00.000-07:00

Of Reds and Greens... and the Changing Times.
A time when the Religion of the Red makes way for the strangeness of Green...

The Red have kept us 'Green'... for a long, long time. We hope the advent of the Green does not flood our land 'Red'!

A new stage is set.
The Green takes the Vow, as an era comes to a screeching break.

We bow out...
But, we will be watching you...

Never ever...

2010-03-26T07:14:00.000-07:00

Never ever let your sense of Morality come in the way of doing what is Right!

... Happily Single...

2010-03-01T07:41:00.000-08:00

The days when we loved every minute of the uncannily similar coke-n'-chips evenings, day after day. And we rushed down the roads to reach home before we're 'scandalizingly' late!
We walked, we talked... and we walked-the-talk... endlessly and effortlessly. Year after year.

Bangalore. Rejoining and rejoicing in "Life". The occasional barbeque-evenings (complete with green pudina chatney)... staying awake till the wee hours of the morning... climbing over the fences to reach home after a midnight movie...
Kolkata. I can still hear the echoes of our laughter ringing through the streets. And our endless fights. And the pointless tears.

The just-out-of-school days syndrome (which lasted more than 10 yrs after school)... The days when we flirted just for the sake of flirting... teased each other over non-existent crushes... hated each other... loved each other... watched each others' backs all the time...
The days when 11 pm was NOT bedtime. It was time to start connecting with friends (to give and receive a synopsis of the day)... with colleagues (to discuss office and plan the next day). Our day properly unfolded after 11. (And yes, we did have office the next day!)

All those years we've spent reflecting on the past, wondering about the future... trying to figure out life & its complications...
We've been scrutinized by the not-so-single women. We, at times, have scrutinized those women. Wanted to know what it's like to be in their shoes. Waited for our prince charming to come & sweep us off our feet! And still wanted to retain our independence.

The days when we were single, footloose & fancyfree!

Feeling Grey :(

2009-11-30T23:28:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wake up hoping something wonderful would happen to you? Hoping you can smile through the day without the hint of doubt? Hoping that the day will finally take you closer to the dreams you've always had?

I do. I woke up this morning with a hope. A hope of something delightful and joyous... Something bright and vibrant.

And then... even before I could take a grip on the day... Life poured a can of grey over it all.

So I stumbled and fumbled... and retraced my steps faultingly back to my cocoon. To my dreamlike state of quassi-existence.

Only to start a newer dream. Of a newer day...

Love them simply!

2009-09-17T02:03:00.000-07:00

Those simple things of life that make my day...

- Getting long mails or long calls from the ones who matter... (the one-liner scraps are a poor substitute) .

- CHOCOLATES. Chocolate pastry, cholocate ice-cream, all varieties of chocolate biscuits, double chocolate fudge cake, chocolate sauce, choco-shakes. Even choco-flavoured lip-gloss. (yeah, they do exist!)

- Going to bed knowing that i don't have to wake up early the next morning.

- That wonderful blend of a little sunshine interspersed with a little rain.

- The colour Purple. With its related shades of Violet and Mauve! A splash of purple (in vision or in thoughts) brighten my day.

- Going through old photographs and old mails. My dormant rediffmail account is my personal attic. I do try to clean it up at times... but then, there are too many memories.

- Coming across a well-formed string of words (a line or a paragraph)... and churning it over n' over in my mind... till I blend my life in those few words. I guess it's a lot like the way a song haunts you for days. For me, it has always been the words.

- Storms. They inspire dreams. And transport me to the Enid Blyton days of Adventures and Lighthouses.

- Bourborne biscuits with hot coffee.

- Gifts. Wrapped with bright n' glossy papers. With a bow on top. And stickers. Gone are the days of 'brown paper packages'. Today, the packaging matters the most. What's inside is of lesser significance to me.
(This packaging passion is only applicable to material gifts)

- Sandwiches (in any form and content) for Breakfast. With fruit-juice. Or for lunch. And/or Dinner. I can live on them. Happily.

- Knowing I have friends whom I can wake up even in the middle of the night just 'cause I feel like talking to them. (Just "knowing" is good enough for me. I don't really need to execute it too often.)

- A good conversation. With someone who talks well and listens well. To what I mean... not merely what I say. (And who knows me well enough not be presumptuous!)

- Waking up and immediately getting back to the book I was reading the last night. Infact, I love waking up to the warmth of an unfinished book.

- Gliding out of sleep at the dead of the night just to watch him sleep peacefully beside me. It's what I love doing bestest. I actually set my alarm clock (in vibration, ofcourse ! ) to wake me up at an uncanny hour... just for those few moments of serene bliss... till I drift back to sleep again. It makes my day... and it makes my life.

... And The Dark Rain

2009-09-14T03:06:00.000-07:00

The rainy nights. Once again!

Yeah, it rained incessantly here in Delhi. For no apparent reason whatsoever. And the nights grew gloomy again... with that unwanted chill in the air... and the neighbourhood sunk into the depths of an eerie silence.

Don’t get me wrong. I have absolutely nothing against the Monsoon. Years back, we had forgotten our differences and had formed a promising new friendship... Me and The Rain. And we still hold strong. And that's just the problem.

The drizzle of the Rain brings forth a rush of old memories. Rain-washed Kolkata. The challenge of taking on the waterlogged streets on high heels. My ecstasy over the 'First Rain in Summer' each year. The dream of a rainbow. Cuddling up with an Enid Blyton in a corner of my bed while it rained a bit, blew a bit, shone a bit... and the weather couldn't seem to make up its mind till it was too late for others to make up their's.

The pittar-patter of the raindrops bring with it the aroma of 'Home'. Of Kolkata. Of plans made and plans spoiled. Of friends and fun. Of my bed back home, with lots of pillows all around me. Of silly dreams, worries and excitements... most of which my present life fail to relate to. Of Ma and Baba... and a younger (and much wiser) version of Me in the warmth of my 'COMFORT ZONE'.

So, back to the Present... on a rainy night, at our home in Delhi... in a room which I now call my own... I lay wide awake. Trying to ignore a burden of memories and to wipe off a shower of irrelevant thoughts.

... And maybe I had dozed off for a while, coz I woke up to be Happy again. Joyful with newer dreams. Blissful with newer expectations. With a guy I didnt even know last Monsoon. A guy for whom right now I believe I can lay down a thousand monsoons of my life.

So bring on the Rain and bring on the Thunder... but I was happy again. Back to my natural sunny disposition at the middle of a dead night.

And as I came to terms with life once more, I hastened to clarify, to explain it all to the Rain. And thus to regain our lost bond... once again! The Rain and I...

The White-s and The Red-s

2009-06-17T05:57:00.000-07:00

Throughout my adolescence, my favourite novels had told me tales of love... love which invariably culminated in the awesome 'White Weddings'. To me, a blissfully ideal wedding day would've been something like what Meg experienced in The Little Women... a wedding venue arranged in her garden amidst a shower of spring blossoms, handmade white gown and ribbons, bouquets of fresh flowers all around & a hundred crumples in her wedding dress brought about by the hugs of her loved ones... all blended to the perfection of a "moment-turned-eternity"! Such were the dreams of creamy sweet wedding I had grown up with... Dreams which had somehow wiped off my scepticism of Marriage.

Before I was anywhere close to being prepared for such a huge event in my life, I found myself waking up to it. I had tossed and turned the entire night of my wedding eve, while sleep eluded me and unknown emotions filled me up. A discomfort too vibrant to overcome... a sadness too deep to grasp. Yet, veiling it all, was a thrill and a warm happiness... feelings I eagerly held on to.

As the day dawned and the too-bright sunrays streamed into the room, I gave myself time to adjust to it all... and waited to simply Feel the moments. Strangely though, I felt nothing! Every drop of emotion seemed to have deserted me... and I was numbed into a state of peaceful nonchalance. I forced myself out of bed and into a room filled with voices and activities. Voices which didn't register in my brain... activities which I was peacefully unattached to! It was as though I was watching someone else hustle through the various rituals of the day. And thus it rolled on... the day at its slowest possible pace... with me gliding through it in my state of quassi-existence.

And then it was time for me to get dressed for the biggest ocassion of my life. The red wedding saari was draped on me by the wedding dressers. And the moment arrived!

I took one look at the mirror.. And then it finally hit me! There were no comfort of familiar dreamy versions of white gowns and wedding cakes. Instead, the reality of the red glared at me! And for the second time that day, I woke up to my wedding!

The brightness of the Red & Gold jerked me away from the cool fictions... to the urgency of the Living Reality. And just as I woke up to its importance, a rush of feelings attacked me all over again.

A blaring red saari with elaborate sequence work was never my idea of an ideal attire. Yet, a part of me which I never knew existed, surfaced and forced me to go the whole way... and abide by the 'Tradition of the Red'. In a moment, the Rituals, the Wedding, the Bidaai... all became so real... and I ultimately blended to be a part of it.

As I stared at the unfamiliar image of myself in glitters and gold, I understood the alterations I was bringing in into my life. I knew I would be bidding goodbye not only to my hometown, my friends and my family... but also to a part of myself which will be forever lost to me.

I wasn't sad... I wasn't happy... I wasn't excited. Even as I smiled at a crowd of faces around me on my wedding evening, I sought to grasp the core of my self. I had always been able to simplify my feelings in a single string of words : When I'm happy, I dance... When I'm sad I cry. However, on my wedding day, I realized a third truth... there are emotions too deep for reactions. Responsibilities too significant to avoid. Feelings I'm powerless to overcome... and which numb me into lazy nothingness.

At the end of the longest day of my life so far, I went to the mirror one last time. A new girl stared back at me... and for the first time ever, I felt terribly scared! I did my best to change back into comfortable clothes and redo my hair back to its normal setup - anything to bring back the girl I knew and loved for 27 long years... the girl who was there with me at every step of my life.

Marriage, they had all told me, invariably brought forth a hundred alterations in life. I never had any qualms about accepting any such changes... for the one I cared for. But they never told me it even altered the girl who would look back at me from the mirror.

I don't know about the frozen white weddings. I don't even know how far things had changed for Meg. But the Red and Gold weddings are unarguably lifechanging events.

(The changes, however, lasted only till the end of my wedding session. Then, in a smooth alteration of roles, out popped the good ol' ME. And the mirrors grow friendlier once more! But even now, a recollection of those few days of alteration is enough to scare my wits away!)

Potential Energy

2009-06-16T11:37:00.000-07:00

... That's precisely what my state of being is, right now!

The Reason Why...

2009-06-16T10:08:00.000-07:00

Oops! Almost a year!

Really? That long, huh? I'm finally revisiting my state of Sublime Boredom after a neat 11 months! BOREDOM - that's what makes me live my life to the fullest. Any form of activity... be it the professional deadlines @ office, weekend reunion with buddies at the coziest CCDs or ticking off my target read-list for the month... all of these actually throw me into a state of delirious hyper-action... and effectively numb me of any form of creativity. They kill my independent thought process and cruelly jerk me out of a heavenly zone of 'Nothingness'.

So, just to tick off a few events of the past 11 months... Things which kept me occupied... and the reason why I never had time to blog my thoughts. Why I never had time to Think, in the first place :-

1. Issues after pilling issues at office, which recently culminated in an absolute alteration of business process and shutting down of a department which I had started off from the scratch. Management is sure to differ, but I personally considered this new field of recruitment as my own baby... and now they have butchered it off.

2. I refrained from indulging in new friendships... and successfully utilized the time in nurturing the cherished friendships which have stuck to me for the last nine/ten years. Friendships which have seen a hundred alterations in me and my life... and have remained glued to their respective positions throughout. All those friends who have already passed (with flying colours) the tests of Time and Distance!

3. Towards the end of the last year, we made a trip to Delhi... to my Bro's place. I eagerly enjoyed the break... little knowing that a few months from then, I would be settled in that very city which I looked at only from the eyes of a visitor!

4. Since July 2008, in our sweet old Kolkata, it rained a bit, chilled a bit and glowed a lot... and finally we had the First Rain in Summer. This is something I had always associated all my romantic notions with! Coincidentally, it was the last time I talked to the Rain back home. How I miss it all now!

5. I had always loved Serendipity (the movie, I mean)... and finally, I believed in it too! Sometime at the end of last year, thankfully in a quite un-Bollywood-like fashion, I met with him... and I made up my mind. The rest just happened! (I mention 'un-Bollywood-like' coz I had always apprehended weddings to be related to the Bollywood glitters and family dramas!)

6. I left my job. No, marriage was not the only reason. As I said... they killed my department! And I hated it. And anyway, I had just a month more... before marriage and before going off to Delhi. So, yeah... I am jobless now! That needs adjusting to... perhaps at a greater degree than marital adjustments. (Problem is, I adjusted a bit too well... and started loving this jobless-ness!)

7. Throughout my childhood, I had always specifically noted one point. I would not just 'get married' to someone, but I would actively & responsibly 'Marry' him. Well, I did just that! After a six-month long-distance courtship, we got married on the 10th of May, 2009. Quite a landmark event in my tiny little life, huh?

8. As a natural extension of the wedding, a floodgate opened up... and changes after changes rolled in. I did my best to tackle them... and I managed beautifully (or so I claim). Life in Kolkata, post-marriage, was a chaos of sarees, rituals and New-ness ... But let's save all of it for another post, another day!

9. Bid goodbye to Kolkata and relocated to Delhi... still waiting to get used to the city... and waiting for Delhi to get used to ME and my insanity!

... So, all in all, you can see I had quite a busy time. I'm sure to do lot many posts on the recurring topics of marriage and the changes thereafter. Let's just treat this one as an introductory synopsis of marriage and a post-mortem of the last 11 months.

...The reason why I had no time to blog!

The Graph

2008-07-19T02:25:00.000-07:00

For those who know me, there's always a 'Graph'... a 'Pattern' to analyze me and my life. There have always been similar patterns in everything... my interests (and the lack of consistency thereof), the people I liked or disliked, the shifting focal of my attention, the rise and fall of each each variation of emotion. These are truly rotating patterns. They've repeated themselves frequently and flawlessly, over the years. These are the unseen, self-created Rules, by which I live my life.

I've always felt that the best way to ensure knowing a person is by identifying their personal 'Graph'. Once you find the pattern in someone's life, everything else falls in place. You can even prepare yourself for the inevitable alterations in the near future. Coz after a while, life is simply a Unitary Method. And there is a method... even in Madness. For those who care for it.

First Stroke

2008-07-14T11:08:00.000-07:00

There are times when too much of everything rubs you the wrong way. Too much of 'Life' bores u. For me, this is just one of those phases, when a crowd of activities have sulked me into complete laziness. Too much of words, too much of noise everywhere...

... Seeking refuge in blogging, to give vent to a silent explosion of thoughts...

In all probability, it will be a passing phase (courtesy my limited interest span), but a meaningful attempt nonetheless.